Diaries of the Departed

Recently I've been watching "The Bachelor" on abc. Yes, I know- please don't judge. It started with me criticizing my roommates for watching such thoughtless and mind numbing tv, to me getting completely wrapped up in this dramatic, absurd, and probably scripted "reality" tv show. Hopefully you might be able to relate to my brief addiction to "crack tv"- it can be hard to resist. So anyway, now that I'm obligated every Monday night at 8:00 for the next few weeks- (until the final rose ceremony!) I wanted to comment on an interesting, and sad aspect of this show. True the show itself is unfortunate, however I've begun to look at it as a study in sociology. The basic premise of the show is well- a bachelor- Jake, a handsome pilot who himself was a reject from a former season of "The Bachelorette". There are initially 25 women. The first night- before any one really gets to know each other, 10 are booted off by Jake based on first impressions alone. The remainder are left vying for his attention through a series of group dates and one on one dates. Each episode ends in a painfully suspenseful overdone rose ceremony (intense closeups, long pauses, stressful music) where some women receive a rose and are allowed to stay and compete. Others do not, meaning they are not the "right fit" for the bachelor, and they are ushered to a limo out of the bachelor mansion.

The women who have to go through this painful rejection on tv are then interviewed afterwards, and asked what they think they did wrong, why it didn't work out, etc. In the background you can sometimes hear the chosen women clinking their glasses of champagne and laughing. I am always so amazed at the reactions of the rejected women. About 7 out of 10 women in some way blame themselves. They say things like "well, I should have been more assertive" or "no wonder I'm still single." Many of the women are well educated, driven, and hold competitive jobs. One is working on her PhD. True, there are also swimsuit models, and cheerleader types, but I don't think that should be indicative of their self esteem. One girl noted that "this always seems to happen to me". The interviews contain so much self confidence bashing. It hard to believe that those feeling can exist within them because they're reacting to a man that they've never met. While there are much more rational reactions to the rejections such as "thank you for letting me go- you did me a favor" or "he's not the only guy in the world", even those reactions seem sort of mild compared to what I might have thought, or what I would imagine myself saying in that situation (don't worry I'm not signing up anytime soon).

In juxtaposing the male version of this show "The Bachelorette", the diaries of the departed include men booted off saying things like "well she doesn't deserve me" or "she doesn't know what she's missing" They are mostly undaunted and self-assured that she made the right decision. They convey a confidence that shows they are just ready to move on to the next thing. They just get over it and don't over analyze their character "downfalls". After all to be kicked off on the first night may be embarrassing, but it's a simple probability that I don't think you can avoid or take too personally.

To draw a conclusion from this, I just can't help but notice this exhibit of female self blame as a common tendency. I also think about all of the female viewers watching this prime time popular show and possibly digesting these reactions as normal. While many viewers are so much more intelligent than the shows they watch (hopefully!) ideas and behaviors seen in the media can seemingly, subconsciously slip through a viewers filter of what they first think is ridiculous, but eventually may register as possibly normal and can encourage similar thinking patterns.

I know I might not be giving enough credit to most of the population, which includes many empowered females who wouldn't be phased by a rejection like this, or probably wouldn't have the foolish idea to sign up for this show in the first place. However this show does get great ratings, and it's in it's 14th season. And a show that the American public allows to remain popular is certainly entering the minds of, and possibly influencing thousands of viewers. Just the toleration of this show and its continuance to fourteen seasons is a statement.

Now that this topic of feminine self-blame is magnified in my mind I have been noticing similar patterns in other shows and also in real life talking to friends and co-workers. Self doubt and vulnerability is such a common occurrence in many women's minds. Possibly much of this is due to the behavior's enforcement in the media showing it as a common norm. Maybe it is due to a fear of failure. Women do have slightly less likelihoods of becoming successful statistically and therefore maybe they over analyze flaws in themselves in order to avoid making the same mistake twice. Either way, the media I think, is perpetuating the practice just by exhibiting it- which can't be helping our stats.

While self introspection is good, a positive and confidence exuding attitude will help win the race. I hope to see more women on The Bachelor saying things like "I can do better than him".